Some people call them cryptocurrencies. Others call them altcoins or alts. But to many they’re known as shitcoins: digital currencies that are like bitcoin but, well, crappier. Sure, they may boast faster transactions and lower fees, but they lack the brand recognition, network effects and catchy name. Without, they were destined to be doomed.
What’s in a Name?
Deadcoins.com is a repository of the worst coins ever foisted upon the cryptocurrency community. Some were always a joke; others became a joke; and others were simply cursed with unfortunate names which meant they never got off the ground. Highlights include Scamcoin with its “innovative proof of scam system” and AssPennies: “Created in 2014, this coin was the shittiest of the original shitcoin craze”.
Other classics that are dead in the water include Fck Banks Coin, Fellatiocoin (it blew), Groincoin, and Crimsoncoin whose devs “sold their coins and ran off in less than a week”. No prizes for guessing what happened to DodoCoin. If you think that’s as low as it goes, strap in and hold on tight cos we’re just getting started.
Lying in the Gutter While Looking at the Moon
Among the also-rans that litter Deadcoins are the following monstrosities: AllAgesCoin, Alcohoin, Allahcoin, BlobbyCoin, Boringcoin, Crapcoin, CryptoMeth, Dubstepcoin, DeleteCoin, FAILCoin (it even made Coinmarketcap), FraudCoin, Furrycoin, KarpelesCoin, MtGoxcoin, Klingon Empire Darsek and Brokebackmountaincoin. But even if we take the dead coins out of the equation, the current crop of hopefuls doesn’t bode well.
Head to Cryptopia and you can find such tradable delights as Unobtanium Condensate (its ticker is RAIN), FootyCash, SiberianChervonets, LiteDoge, Athenian Warrior Token (the only ATH it’ll be seeing is its ticker), GayCoin, KangarooBits, BenjiRolls, StopTrumpCoin, WeAreSatoshi, FuzzBalls, HodlBucks (okay so that one’s kind of cool actually), and Cthulu Offerings.
A typical scamcoin trajectory.
There’s a Shitcoin Born Every Minute
If your Cryptopia bags are currently dragging you down, at least you didn’t try to buy Chichicoin. Launched in 2014, Deadcoins explains, “the client was malware; it contained a wallet stealer and key logger.” Back in the here and now, the less said about Metaverse ETP, KuCoin Shares, and Walton – a name so clunky it’s almost cool – the better.
The inspiration for this post, incidentally, was Techcrunch’s 100 Cryptocurrencies Described in Four Words or Less, which gave rise to at least one Twitter riposte which opined that SingularDTV “sounds like a disease”. Around the same time, a story emerged about a gritty northern British city launching its own social responsibility coin. Its name, in keeping with the city that spawned it? HullCoin. Imagine naming your city, and its corresponding shitcoin, after the bottom of a boat.
The premise for this post might seem flippant, but it does give pause for thought. If Satoshi had named his creation KangarooBits, would we have just touched $9,000, or would we still be in the gutter, looking at the moon? Forget blockchain, proof of work and immutability. Satoshi’s genius was to name it bitcoin.